Today, Valentine's Day, it is exactly 8 years ago that Angele and I got married. We got married twice: in The Netherlands for the official registry and with a small gathering, and in Malta for the church and with a massive party. When we were planning this, we already knew that in The Hague we would just go for the simple and cheap option. Tuesday mornings were the cheapest, and we just had to book a few months in advance. So when we got to the booking site, to our surprise we saw 14 February as the first available date. At 9 in the morning.
I thought that would be a brilliant move. I would never forget this date, and how great to combine Valentine with an anniversary. One less thing to remember. And double the fun!
So there we were, 8 years ago, at 9 in the morning, with a small group of some family and friends to witness our marriage. Nice lunch after, and we booked a romantic hotel for the night in Leiden, the city where it all started.
Double the fun. And now double the pain.
It's been 18 months now since she passed away. Two weddings and a funeral. That was not the plan...
Grief is not as linear as people tend to think. Sure, it has 5 "stages". They don't come in order though, and it is not like you ever finish a stage. They shift, they change, and at the most unexpected things pop up and come at you without warning. Other days the warnings are there for days or weeks, just because you know the day is coming. Today is one of those days.
A day where you're expected to celebrate the love and share the romance together. Instead, I am struggling to figure out how and where to start to finally clear out her wardrobe. What to do with her clothes, her belongings, her stuff. It's all still there. Frozen in time.
Yet, in the meantime, life goes on. And time is not frozen, time flies! 4 weeks ago Jessie turned 6! It is wonderful to see this little girl grow up into the beautiful person she is becoming. Loving, caring, intelligent and bright. Yet, her birthday also takes me back to the moments where Angele's health issues presented themselves to us. Because when the breastfeeding for Jessie did not start as it was supposed to be when she was born, we knew something was off. Looking back it makes me remember all the stress, pain, and chaos that we endured over these years. A lot of beautiful moments too. So much love, so much heartbreak. So much stress and so many worries. So much growth.
It is hard to describe it all, since it is literally "everything".
Trying to write it all down is hard. There is so much to share, to explain, to think and feel through it all. Maybe I should write a book!
It is not all doom and gloom, and rough and tough though. There are so many beautiful moments too! Alone, and with the children. Seeing them grow up, having fun together, crying together, reliving moments, and making new memories.
It is complicated to explain how I actually feel. Mainly because it is shifting all the time. If you would ask me "how are you" 3 months ago, I would reply with "ups and downs, managing...". Now, I would say "I'm ok... actually quite ok". Two months ago, while on a retreat in Mexico, was the first time in ages that I answered this question with a "Really good!" without hesitation.
I've been going from surviving, to coping and managing, to now trying to figure out where the future will bring me. How my life as a single dad with 2 beautiful kids is going to take shape.
One of the main changes that I experienced in my own mental approach is that I have shifted from "trying to deal with all the crap that life throws at me" to "enjoying the gifts that life has given me". And life has given me many beautiful gifts.
And today is a gift too. Yes, it is a day that comes with pain and grief, but also comes with so many beautiful memories of our time together. Beautiful reminders about the love we had, and the love I have. Love for our kids, love for life. Seeing Jessie write little love notes to classmates and to Tobias, and explaining to him how they both have love and kindness in their hearts. And mama, they always have their mama in their hearts.
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