1 Year

Today it is exactly 1 year ago that Angele passed away. 1 year of life without her. 1 year of not having my soulmate to talk to, 1 year of our kids not having their mom, 1 year of struggling to find out how to deal with it all. 1 year of fighting bureaucracy.

It's been a year of ups and downs. Beautiful moments, heartbreaking moments, pain, sorrow. Sometimes just a single line in a song can make me break down, or lift me up.

I feel Jessie and Tobias are the strong ones in all of this. Kids are so resilient... They miss mama of course, and we talk about it quite often. Sometimes they are just sad she isn't here. Sometimes they sit close to one of her pictures, and put a drawing or something they found in nature next to her. And sometimes they ask questions. Last night I was trying to explain to them that today would be exactly 1 year ago since she died. One year, that is a long time for 4 and 5 year olds. Then Tobias asked: "and how many seconds until she comes back?" to which I had to explain - mama is not coming back, since when you die you can not come back to this world... "Oh, ok" he said. Followed immediately by "You know what I saw on TV today?"

A few months ago I was talking to a friend, and she told me about something that happened after a breakup. She was having breakfast somewhere, and the waiter asked her how she would like her eggs, and she actually blanked out, and didn't know. As a couple they always had their eggs "their" way, but now, being alone, how did she want it?

This story really resonates with my current situation, since I literally have to figure out everything again. After spending 10 years together, building a family, your identity shifts quite a bit into "we". We like to watch these TV shows. We like to go there for a coffee. This is how we want our kids to be raised. This is how we like our eggs. All of our values, dreams, future plans.

So many things are now to be figured out again. Where do I want to live, what education do I want for the children, what music do I listen to? And in all of that there are so many things still so painful to do, see or experience.

And it is hard for me to make decisions. Figuring it out is so much harder than I thought.

One of the decisions I did make was to move to a new place, with a beautiful garden. One of the first things I did was to plant a few sunflower seeds from the little bags we handed out at the celebration of Angele's life. This picture is of the largest sunflower that grew out of those seeds. I did not know one single seed could lead to a sunflower with this many flowers. Every time I step out into the garden it reminds me of her. Her resilience, her strength, beaming glowing energy and positivity. And it reminds me of the fact that I can do this. I can figure it out on my own - what's best for the children, how to raise them. Figure out what I want to do and achieve.

How I'd like my eggs? Scrambled, not slimy but properly cooked. Tiny bit of pepper, decent amount of salt. Mayonnaise on the side.

Just a few more things to figure out, but I'll get there!